The night before Xmas…….

 

Twas the eve before Xmas when Tony McNulty and James Purnell were supping finest Cristal Champagne. Both were in fine form and discussing the past year.

 

‘I say James, you have played a real blinder, me old son, keeping the proles under the thumb…. I mean, the TUC has the gall to ask for an increase in JSA… The absolute cheek of it….. Let them eat Sainsburys ‘taste the difference’ range…that’s what I say’

 

‘Absolute travesty…. More money? The cheek of it Tony. Keep the blighters under the thumb totally agree. Oh, I saw this young person had tripped and fallen on the pavement this morning. Wastrel and scrounger if I ever saw, indeed, they had the audacity to ask for help. Well, I went up to the rascal and gave them a good sharp kick in the ribs. That will teach them falling over and the kick will incentivise them. Honestly Tony, the cheek of these workshy layabouts…expecting a helping hand’….

 

‘Well James, it is their own fault they are poor and unemployed. If only they followed the example of the corporate sector and used their initiatives in finding solutions. It’s about rights and responsibilities and once they have taken responsibility then they have the right to be a full citizen’….

 

‘Tony, the problem I have with these people is that they have no motivation or ambition. Why can’t people be like me, I am always motivated in getting myself in the picture. I can’t tolerate people who have no get up and go, waste a space the lot of them. Honestly, if people had motivation then they could easily get a job. The jobs are out there, granted, I wouldn’t touch some of them myself. I applied myself up the greasy NL pole, these people (shakes his head in disbelief) are lay-abouts and scroungers and if they applied some of the same motivation I did then they wouldn’t  need bloody benefits…or cash from the social fund and most of them spend it on booze and fags’.

 

‘Oh yes, James, all that outcry from those blithering bleeding heart liberals about your idea of charging interest on social fund loans. What nonsense. And even that Kinnock chap got in on the act. Ha! Social justice? What are they blathering on about. We are NL, we don’t ‘do’ social justice or that social democracy malarky. We are dyed in the wool neo-liberals, aren’t we James?’

 

James nods his head, the Cristal going to his head. Gets up to go home. He staggers to bed and wakes up from his deep slumbers (dreaming about new ways to screw the poor no doubt). He hears a noise and sits up….He is shocked by what he sees.

 

‘Why…it is unholy trinity of Samuel Smiles, Milton Friedman and Sir Keith Joseph. I am honoured. Are you here to congratulate me’?

 

(Ghostly noises…..) ‘No James, you are too soft on the scrounging poor. We are here to stiffen your resolve, old chap. Be like that David Green from Civitas he has the right (operative word there) way in dealing with the poor, none of social security nonsense. Life should be like a game of Monopoly…..you should not pass GO if you’re receiving ESA/DLA/IB/AA/JSA (delete where applicable) you should go straight to the workhouse….eh, James’?

 

‘But will I be able to get away with these plans’? says James

 

‘Don’t see why not, nobody seems to give a damn about the poor in this society and even better when you can blame the woes of this society on them’…

 

‘Brilliant…. thanks chaps, I am sure 2009 is going to be fantastic year for me. Thanks for your help. Who are off to visit now’? asks James

 

‘Alistair Darling of course’….