Gawd am in a prickly, peevish and petulant mood…..
Meandering down Oxford Street yesterday I was utterly appalled, shocked…appalled and shocked I say… to see those bloody Xmas lights. Is it that time already? No, it’s two months away….. Ooo that Xmasy light fantastic will be switched on the 3rd November. Tis Xmas in the consumer land of Oxford Street with late night shopping to behold.
And of course my grumpy, grouchy, gripy, cranky, crotchety, cross, crabby ….narky mood is due to the fact that when I see anything of the Xmas kind it means my birthday is near as well. And increased moody down-in-the-mouthy manner is ‘cos I will be 40!
Damn you time flies…. I recall in the mists and fog of 10 years old ago when I was in the doleful doldrums about hitting 30 at a massive speed. And the memory from yonder past of 20 years ago is a dim flicker where I vaguely recall being down in the dumps of dreaded despair of heading into my 20s. Actually I wasn’t moping in a morose-y miserable manner more ‘way hey good riddance to those traumatic terrible teenage years… hello twenties’….
And now, fast forward 20 years on, I am on the brink of crashing into my 40s. It’s vanity and stoopid fear….
Oh pish! Once the day arrives I shall partake in various frolicsome, fanciful, jaunty and merry activities (not know what they shall be) hopefully my mood will become cheery, chipper, and chirpy 40 year old. Melancholy rejected for merriment….perchance?
NB: And Xmas …it reflects the institution of the family. Time when families get together to celebrate the festivities, well on the surface that is yet when you scratch the surface the misery and the contradictions are exposed. People getting together more out of custom than doing it cos they want to (though some may do). And I know from past, present and future experience the difficulties in explaining my own family situation to people and sometimes changing the subject is a good distraction and at times simply being straightforward and honest with people that I find Xmas and families stressful, with the emphasis being on the superficial ‘happy family’ image that is projected at Xmas. And sometimes I kinda feel alone and isolated, standing on the margins staring in. I know people have varied experiences on the rector scale when it comes to surviving families but sometimes I do feel a void in my life, if I am honest, bereft of a family of one that I could trust, enjoy the ups and downs and even like. I kinda miss what I never had. Emptiness from not having a half-decent compassionate family. On a contradictorily level I can survive without one but at the same time I wish I had one…It is a time tinged with sadness and loss…and the desire of being able to fast forward time and find myself, emotionally unscathed and in one piece, on the 1st January without feeling the usual angst and sadness.
I am such a miserable bastard!
No, you’re not alone!!!
I subscribe to each and every word you said re:
Xmas lights (though it’s been like that for a good while- especially in England) and family dramas.
Thanks Claude, good to know I am not alone
The thing is…I’ve witnessed Xmases around some apparently “happy” and stable families. But still the stress, the smouldering tension and the unsaid grudges manage to unbelievably come to surface.
Secondly, call me dysfunctional, but I never feel at ease whenever it’s some sort of artificial, prescribed celebration- christmas and birthdays are two that spring to mind. Like you’re supposed to have a good time because everyone else allegedly is (which is bollocks). You must, no matter what, no matter the company is not exactly of your choice etc.
One more thing that really gets on my tits.
The music. You walk into a shop, any shop, whether it’s HMV, Boots or Poundland and there’s that incessant bombardment of tacky cheesy creepy christmas music -with industrail amounts of bells and kids’ choirs…
Rant over.
I second all that comrade!
And also the suicide rate increases in the lead up to Xmas. Says it all.
I think it is also throwing people together and expecting a positive reaction yet, as you say, tensions and pressures come to the surface.
And birthdays….. yikes! I am staying in bed…. head firmly under the duvet not coming out until 2nd Jan (or when I have to get back to work…)