Found myself in a bookshop today, a small independent one. Haven’t been in a bookshop for a long time as I have got into the unfortunate habit of buying books over the web. You kinda lose the human interaction and the joy of browsing and today I had a wander around of one. I am having a very real problem of concentrating and reading has become a chore as opposed to the enjoyment. My brain has seemingly seized up and am incapable of reading anything especially non-fiction. I saw Terry Eagleton’s “On Evil” ….read the blurb, tempted to buy it as was interested in how he reclaims and defends the word “evil”… But at this moment I don’t think I can concentrate as my mind gets easily distracted so wouldn’t have anything cogent or interesting to say.
I sorta go into panic mode and ideas become blocked, my mind becomes paralysed with fear. This has happened over the past few months, along with lack of energy and listlessness. And that’s what irks me so much is that I can’t be myself …avidly throwing myself into research, reading copiously, analysing and thinking about things… but that seems to have disappeared for the time being. I have been told that this will ‘come back’ at some point but am more overwhelmed by a very big sense of frustration. Feel clumsy when I start the process of writing with intermittent blanks of not knowing what to say and becoming forgetful. Can write short posts but anything lengthy deserving research and analysis is beyond my capability at the moment. I have lots of books gathering dust on the shelves and on the floor which I have not picked up. I have also a backlog of articles that I promised to write but I just don’t have the will or the inclination. Depression blurs the mind.
So I bought some fiction, wanted to buy a book or two by JG Ballard but there weren’t any…!! Toyed with the idea of buying Dalton Trumbo’s “Johnny Got His Gun” but changed my mind. Resolutely stuck to my plan not to buy any crime fiction because that’s what I usually end up buying… I bought Lady Chatterley’s Lover, mainly because the last time I read was when I was 14 and wasn’t impressed with it, probably due to the fact I was expecting something quite different. Well, it caused such a shock to the repressed sensibilities of some sections of society along with the censorship and trial for obscenity I thought it must be shocking beyond belief….was kinda disappointed. Anyway, will give it another read. Also, bought Isherwood’s “Goodbye to Berlin” (film version…”Cabaret”) which documents the final years of the Weimar Republic and introduced the world to Sally Bowles. Liked the film as well.
Posted by harpymarx 
