The drugs do work…??

Watching an old episode of House on C5, the eponymous anti-hero shouts, “This patient needs Doxycycline”! I shouted at the telly in response, “Ha! I know that drug is an antibiotic”… And feeling very pleased with myself in the process. The reason I know that specific antibiotic is that I have been prescribed numerous times over the past 6 months for either sinusitis or a chest infection. So there you go… my experiences of meds has been useful!

Though combined with the various antibiotics foisted on me another drug has been prescribed, Citalopram, a SSRI…selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. I used to pride myself on the knowledge of psychopharmacology, mainly through loads of meds prescribed. Also because of my initial naivety and lack of knowledge of what these drugs are capable of doing, or should I say hideous side-effects from the hideous chemical coshes that were dolled out like Smarties. After becoming tangled up with the effects, chucking the tabs down the loo and feeling emancipated from the chemical straitjacket I bought a dictionary of drugs and read up on them. As the saying goes forewarned is forearmed.

I experienced the awful chemical coshes but also the dawn of a new psychopharma  age …. Prozac and its relatives. Unlike Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac did nowt for me. On was on it a couple of times, unlike the heavy dosages of the chemical coshes that zombified me instantly Prozac was a slower drug. I didn’t see any improvements after months and months of taking the damn thing. If it didn’t work, did that mean I wasn’t really depressed?

I have been clean from psychopharma for years except in 2007 where I was precribed Sertraline another SSRI… on it for months and months nowt change. Did that mean I wasn’t depressed? The only med that lowered my anxiety was the short-term usages of beta-blockers.

Depression and anxiety is what has been scribbled in my doctor notes now computerised. This diagnosis goes back years and years along with a brief alteration in labels with short-term definition of my so-called madness being Schizophrenia. That didn’t last long as shrinks shook their collective heads and retreated back to the common and garden depression and anxiety. But living with depression and anxiety isn’t life so ordinary it can be incapacitating, controllable, then uncontrollable, then stability. I have never been able to shake off the fug of misery and anxiety and all that goes with it. Negative outlook, despondency, panic and stricken by the queasy sickness that lurked inside of me.

Enter Citalopram, my GP raved on about the benefits of this drug. It does seem to be the fashionable med to take, seems like everyone is on it. Citalopram is the new Prozac. Me being the cynical person I am when it comes to meds I kinda muttered to myself inside, “Yeah, where have I heard this before”… Again I was told it will take a couple of weeks to reap the benefits (when you’re feeling lowest of the low you want instant gratification and to feel as happy as happy can be….). So, ok, I persevered, including the early side-effects of headaches and lack of appetite. They disappeared though the dry mouth syndrome is still there (all the psych drugs I have ever been prescribed cause a dry mouth) and I am sure my intake of liquid has decreased.

But there have been changes. The anxiety has lessened considerably though the depression lurks in the background but not as noticeable. Sometimes it seems like chicken and the egg scenario, what came first… The symptoms of my anxiety include nausea, increase heart rate, lack of appetite… yet now when I feel anxiety coming over me the drugs minimise the usual response. Though sometimes stark feelings and reactions are blunted and numbed. Sometimes I feel happy to have the edge taken off my feelings as undiluted can be too much overwhelming which kinda spiral down into a thick treacly emotional molasse.

I am not giving credit to the exploitative pharma companies as I don’t think any recovery is down to a medical model, I think it has many explanations including counselling. The science of these meds emphasise the lack of the ‘happy hormone’ Serotonin (even though it is not a hormone). So these SSRIs  increase the levels though there have been disputes over whether Serotonin or the lack of causes depression.

Maybe it’s all down to neurogenesis….

But I can give concrete examples of the changes in me, from 20mg to 30mg, such as less anxiety, migraines have disappeared, so has the sickness I get (is that due to Serotinin levels?). Also my problem with heights (which has only appeared in the past 15 years or so) has largely disappeared. The anxiety connected to going in boats and ferries such as horrendous sea sickness even in dead calm situations causes throwing up (though the ante was upped regarding my loathing for sea journeys during a trip from Cork to Swansea combined with a storm where I spent the 12 hour crossing throwing up, trying to sleep and hallucinating that I was on the Titanic…though it had a nightmarish reality feel as the cabin started to leak sea water!). Funny thing I do feel more confident and creative though I do worry what it will be like to come off these drugs (addictive?) and whether the positives will remain as I don’t want to live my life in a chemical haze. Maybe it is all dialectical at the end of the day

So who knows, maybe the drugs do work….. Yeah, right….

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