I have been applying for jobs, explaining how I fulfil the various requirements by showing examples of knowledge, skills and experience. Blah… Blah… Blah …… Oh my blah… Blah… showing my initiative. Blah… blah… customer focused … Yada…Yada.. …organise own workload…They are the constant bane of my life at the moment.
And so on….
Have you noticed that job applications have got longer, littered with words that don’t always make sense (it would be nice to see a person spec. written in a clear, meaningful and concise manner and the questions have got more bloody tedious. So because I am fed-up with applying for sodding jobs here’s my application form written in how I really feel.
Awareness of the importance of customer care
Customers care. I don’t really care. They can either like it or lump it.
Ability to organise and prioritise own workload and adhere to deadlines
The main deadline is 5pm when I have to go home and watch Neighbours on Channel 5, this is definitely a priority and one which I must, on all accounts, adhere to.
Ability to follow processes in accordance with rules or other procedures
I do have the ability to follow procedures but sometimes don’t want to. I find the best thing to do is pretend nobody told me what the procedure was.
Ability to work on own initiative and as part of a team
It is also worth pointing out that because of this important deadline i.e. Neighbours being on at 5pm on C5, I usually show my initiative when arguing about this to my boss. I prefer to work in the basement with my computer and only resurface when I need direct sunlight. I do like working in a team as I can people what they are doing wrong and how they should do it the way I tells them. Some people are not good working in a team. They get upset when I tell them they are not doing their jobs very well.
Adaptability
I bought this thing in the travel luggage shop where you can put it in a foreign socket and put an English plug in the other side.
Other requirements
I like a large glass of red wine at lunch time.
I do need to surf the internet in the afternoon.
I do need to hang up the phone up in the morning.
I think if I got the job I would be promoted quickly….
Hey, at least you’re honest!
What kind of jobs are you applying for? Have you thought of working in a park or a wild life park? It appears to me that you would find the work interesting going by the number of posts you have of herons.
That would be great but in my area they are cutting those kind of jobs
So why don’t you move? What’s stopping you for moving to a place where you can be fulfilled? Where you can do what you really desire?
Here in Australia there are plenty of jobs in the Parks and National Reserve area. You may have to do a little study but you can easily do it going by your English ability. Australia has the best wild areas in the world and the bird life is fantastic. The pay is average but the work is something that you will love. The scenery in the outback is unbelievable.
Do something that you want to do … whatever it may involve that you want to do, you do it. You can cry all your life or your can get your arse into gear. There is an opportunity for you to do what you want to do … all YOU have to do is make it happen. What is stopping you?
We need people like you here. We need ecologically minded people with a social conscience.
There’s also the need to switch the phone and fax cables around when you just don’t feel like talking to anyone.
employers should supply the following:
rent free or low rent accomodation near to workplace so staff can get home quickly to watch there favourite soaps ( no commuting from London to the midlands as happens in my workplace)
staff canteens supplying plenty of subsidised healthy food ( as provided in the 1950′s)
regular shoulder and neck massages at 20 minute intervals of being on the computer
Sofa’s should be provided so staff can have a lunch time snooze
I could go on: large xmas bonus………
Sounds like a job with the Kingfisher group, e.g., B & Q or Screwfix.
…………………..sack the bosses and put the workers in charge
You have made my day!
Job application forms are all about the art of bullshitting, which just reflects where management theory happens to be at that moment in time. The level of bullshit in management theory is now beyond parody.
When you first go into the workplace you imagine managers are just more intelligent than the rest but it quickly becomes apparent that managers are managers because they can do 4 things, 1) Bullshit 2) Arse lick 3) Back stab 4) Plagiarise unashamedly